It’s all about Connection – Connecting with your Loved One

Listening is one of the simplest and most effective ways that you can provide your loved one with emotional support.  Listening demonstrates to your loved one that you are interested in what is going on in their life, it provides them with validation and it drives connection. 

The key is to remember is that you are listening to your loved one to understand what they are telling you and not to respond.  You want to actively listen to your loved one, be in the moment with them, watching their body language and listening to the tone of their voice.  Simply going through the motions of listening, without truly hearing and understanding what they are saying will be invalidating and drive a wedge between you and your loved one. 

Using empathy when listening to your loved one will allow for a deeper understanding of what they are telling you and help you to form a more genuine and meaningful response.  Viewing the situation from their perspective by putting yourself in their shoes, asking them questions to ensure that you understand how they feel will help you to make that strong connection that you are both looking for. 

Watch the video linked at the end in which a woman is trying to express her feelings to her partner.  Notice the difference in her reaction when he stops trying to solve her problems for her and sees the issue from her perspective. 

It is obvious from the start that the partner knows what the solution to the problem is – just take out the nail, but his attempts to tell this only make her more upset.  When you watch the video, was she asking him to fix her problem?  Was she asking for a solution?  All she wanted was for him to listen to her, she was seeking empathy and validation.  Remember to listen, to really hear and understand the other person before doing anything else.  In this clip the woman is only looking for someone to listen and understand how frustrated she is.  When he doesn’t do this it upsets her, and when he demonstrates empathy and validates her feelings she responds and it strengthens the connection between them. 

What are some of the things that you can do to not only be a better listener, but  also ensure that your loved one knows that you are really listening? 

1. Make eye contact so they know you are present in the conversation at hand. 
2. Focus on what is being said.  Clear your mind of all other distractions, be mindful and give your loved one your undivided attention. 
3. Allow your loved one to speak with no interruptions.  You may be tempted to jump in with an opinion, comment or solution and you should avoid doing so until you have heard the entire conversation.  Unless you know the whole story, and unless you know what they want from you (i.e., do they want you to listen, or are they asking for help) don’t interrupt. 
4. Allow for pauses.  It may take your loved one time to process and formulate their thoughts.  While silence can be uncomfortable, take their lead and look for non-verbal cues to see if they are done or still thinking.  Jumping in and pressuring them to continue or finish demonstrates impatience, can cause stress and your loved one may simply abandon the conversation. 
5. Ask questions to demonstrate that you understand, or want to understand what is happening from your loved one’s perspective.  Approaching the situation with curiosity shows interest and concern.  Try asking “Can you tell me more?” or “How did that make you feel?” 
6. Reflect back your understanding and confirm if you are on the same page as your loved one.  For example, “ Let me see if I have this right.  Are you saying….?”, “I hear you saying that you felt….Did I get that right?” 
7. Listen with more than just your ears.  Look for clues in your loved one’s body language that may reveal how your loved one is feeling (i.e., their posture, facial expressions, eye contact, etc.). 
8. Remember that this is your loved one’s moment and the conversation is about them and their needs.  Focus on them and put your personal agenda aside.  Do not offer suggestions, advice, or criticize what they are saying.  Only offer advice or an opinion if they ask you for it.