Setting Limits with your Loved One

As caregivers, we often put the needs of our loved ones ahead of our own. Despite the detriment to ourselves, we accept things that we normally would not, fearing the outcome if we say no or push back against how we are being treated.  The reality is that we need to set limits with our loved ones, not only for ourselves, but for them as well.  Setting limits with your loved one not only teaches them what is acceptable, and about your values it also provides them with structure and helps them feel loved and secure.

To be able to set limits we must be mindful of the state we are in, physically, emotionally, and mentally.  We need to understand what we can tolerate and accept versus what makes us feel uncomfortable and causes stress.  According to Randi Kreger, “setting limits is not all about the other person. It is something you do to take care of yourself because you cannot control the other person or change them.  But you can control your own life.”  Setting limits helps you to find a balance between your needs with the needs of your loved one and to be honest, it isn’t easy.

Establishing limits is an active process and requires careful thought and self-awareness.  Before setting something as a limit you need to see if it truly is a limit, one that you would be willing to enforce and live with the outcome.  If you try setting a limit and then fail to enforce it, you are actually reinforcing the behaviour that you are trying to limit.  If you continually allow your limits to be violated, you may end up feeling resentful or taken advantage of by your loved one and it may diminish your self-respect.

Before setting limits a few things to take into consideration:

1. Limits don’t hurt, they model a way of life and promote self caring.
2. The purpose of limits is not to punish, but to teach. By imposing a limit you are telling your loved one they have a choice and that those choices will result in different outcomes.  Limits provide a framework for them to understand that their actions (positive or negative) have natural consequences.  If they don’t respect the limit, they are making a choice and are responsible for their own behaviour.
3. Setting limits is about listening more than talking.  Try to see the situation from your loved one’s perspective because doing so will allow you to set realistic limits that both you and your loved one can accept.
4. Personal limits do not need to be justified or explained. It is your limit, period.
5. Before setting a limit, clear the FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt).

Communicating Limits with Your Loved One

To be fair and effective, you will need to communicate with your loved one and explain your limits to them.  This isn’t a negotiation, nor is it an exercise where you should feel obligated to justify your limits, but your loved ones need to know what the limits are.  Once they are aware of the limit they can make the conscious decision to adhere to them, or ignore them and then you must both deal with the consequences.

1. Let your loved one know what behaviour is inappropriate and be as specific as possible.  “Becoming violent or destructive is an unacceptable way to deal with a situation and it needs to stop.” 
2. Explain why the behaviour is inappropriate and don’t assume that they will understand, especially if you have tolerated the behaviour in the past.  “When you become violent towards me or others it hurts, and makes me feel disrespected.”  
3. Let your loved one know what your limit is.  “When you are violent and hit me, it hurts and I feel sad and sometimes even afraid.  This is a limit for me and I am not going to take this from you anymore.” 
4. Consider developing a consensus by asking for your loved one’s input.  Providing choices rather than ultimatums will reduce power struggles and there will be a better chance that your loved one will be accepting of the consequence.  Collaborate with your loved one to come up with natural consequences that you are able to enforce.  “Threats or physical violence is not acceptable to me.  If it happens I am going to leave and call the police.  What can we do so this does not happen?
5. Be patient and give your loved one some time and space.  They may be upset and need time to process what they are being told before making a decision.
6. Reinforce the positive behaviour and be prepared to follow through with the consequence of a limit being broken.  Limit setting is meaningless if you don’t follow through.  If you give in, you are sending the message that you don’t mean what you say and your loved one will ignore and disrespect you and your limits.

 

Setting limits can be a powerful tool when you are trying to change your loved one’s behaviour, but in the end it is important to remember that you set rules in order to have your personal boundaries respected.  Expect a “crisis” when limits are challenged, and know that they will be challenged.  Most of us have a past history of threatening consequences and making demands that were not consistently applied, so don’t expect them to be respected right away.  Limits don’t have to be crystal clear, follow your instincts and remember that limits can evolve over time.  Just be careful not to change them too often, and avoid changing them in the middle of a heated exchange or stressful moment.