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As a caregiver you are likely to experience a range of emotions as you try and navigate through the complicated and frustrating world of mental illness. It may sometimes seem like you are on a roller coaster ride with exhilarating highs, terrifying lows and there are going to be times when you feel sick and just want the ride to end.
Your emotions may change quickly, they may conflict with one another and this can leave you feeling overwhelmed, stressed and exhausted. It is natural to want to try and avoid negative feelings and suppressing your emotions is a common, but ill-advised strategy. Whether they are positive or negative, our emotions are important and they serve a purpose. Emotions motivate us to take action, help us to survive, to avoid danger, to make decisions, to understand others and moreover they help others to understand us.
Resist the temptation to push aside or ignore difficult feelings because the reality is that they will continue to exist, bubbling under the surface and will manifest themselves in other ways. This could include irritability, depression, misplaced anger or even lead to physical ailments such as a lack of sleep or digestive problems.
From this video we can see that at times we need to sit with uncomfortable emotions like sadness before we can “move on”. Being sad is not about blaming, it’s not about what could be, it’s simply accepting that things are not as we want them and this is painful so it makes sense to be sad about it. Recognizing your emotions for what they are and learning to manage and regulate them will help you ensure that they don’t affect your life in a negative way.
Recognizing Emotions
We are all different, as are our loved one’s mental health journeys, so our caregiving experiences and emotions will vary across a wide spectrum as well. The age of your loved one, the level of care you provide, their willingness to accept help and your own emotional vulnerabilities will affect the intensity of the feelings you experience, but it is important to understand that even the strongest and most grounded person has their limits. Being able to recognize what these emotions are and when they emerge can help you to manage them.
Some of the common emotions and feelings that you might experience as a caregiver can include:
Helplessness: Watching your loved one suffer, or being excluded from the treatment team can lead to feeling lost and not knowing what to say or do. You want to help, but may not know where to start, what questions to ask or how to support your loved one. At times, you may feel that no matter what you do, you cannot make things better or change the situation.
Anger and Frustration: This can be directed towards a number of targets, including yourself. You might be angry at yourself for not being able to “fix” your loved one’s problems, at your loved one for “getting sick”, or for not wanting help, at family and friends who may not be trying to help or understand you or your loved one or professionals who refuse to help.
Guilt: You may feel guilty for the choices you made, wondering if you caused or contributed to your loved one’s mental health struggles. There may be times when you feel guilty for losing your patience, or for saying something triggering. It is also common to feel guilty for wanting to walk away, give up or for putting yourself first.
Grief: While it may seem strange to grieve someone who is still alive, it is quite common to feel grief. We will feel grief for the loss of the life that you wanted for yourself and your loved one, the loss of independence, the spoiled plans for the future, the loss of your time and freedom and the loss of the relationship that you once had. .
Resentment: You may be feeling resentment because so much of your time and energy is focused on your loved one’s needs. You’ve had to give up some of your dreams and put your goals aside. You might not be able to do many of the things you used to enjoy. You might be thinking “Why me?” or “Why us?”
Hopelessness: You may feel that you have tried everything, yet your loved one still isn’t getting any better. It can be hard to believe that things will ever get better.
Loneliness: Caregiving is time consuming which can result in you having less time to spend with family and friends; leaving you feeling isolated and alone. You may find it difficult to have conversations because your life revolves around your caregiving duties.
Worry: You may be worried about your loved one’s well being because life is so hard for them right now. You want them to get better, and are worried that help is not available or that your loved one will never accept help. You may also worry about what will happen to your loved one when you are no longer able to support them.
Fear: Worry and fear are related, and when you are caring for someone with significant mental health challenges there are countless things that we can be afraid of. Fear that your loved one will never be able to lead a fulfilling life. Fear that you do not have the skills you need to help your loved one. Fear that you will live in this chaos forever and not be able to pursue your own dreams. Fear that your love one could die by suicide or end up in jail.
Embarrassment: Does your loved one do things out in public that are out of the norm, do they dress inappropriately, have poor hygiene, say inappropriate things or lash out at others for no reasons. There may be times when you feel responsible for your loved one’s behaviours and that others are judging you for their actions.
Managing your Emotions:
Recognizing these feelings and accepting that they are absolutely normal is the first step in managing them. In order to regulate your emotions and not let them take over your life, you acknowledge their presence and their validity. You let your emotions run their natural course and try not to act on them. Listen to what the emotional message is and decide the best way to incorporate this message into your actions.
The following are some ideas to help manage your emotions:
- Acknowledge your feelings: Suppressing your feelings can lead to stress, anger, depression and unhealthy life choices.
- Seek support: You don’t need to pretend that everything is fine. Being a caregiver is difficult and it is okay to get help – talk about what is happening, how you are feeling and what kind of help you need.
- Allow yourself to release your feelings: Cry, show anger, acknowledge your frustration in a healthy way. For example, take a boxing class, go for a run or bike ride. This can be a good way to release tension and stress.
- Try to avoid feeling guilty: Give yourself credit for what you are doing as a caregiver.
- Be realistic about what’s possible and what isn’t: Remember, you are doing the best that you can with the skills you have.
- Find an outlet for your intense feelings: Include some activities you enjoy into your daily schedule because doing something you enjoy can lift your spirits. Listen to music, read, garden, have dinner out, visit a friend etc.
- Look for the Positive: Celebrate your loved ones successes and your strength.
- Think about the advice you would give a friend: Provide the same encouragement and support to yourself that you would give to a friend.
- Try to avoid focusing on the “what if’s”. Keep your attention on the things you can control and remain in the present moment as much as you can.