EN 
FR 
“Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” ~ Vicki Harrison
When most of us think of grief our minds are immediately filled with thoughts of funerals, caskets and sympathy cards. But death is not the only reason we grieve. Grief can present itself in unconventional ways.
Researcher Dr. Pauline Goss coined the phrase “ambiguous grief” to describe a situation where a loved one is with us physically, but for one reason or another is no longer psychologically or emotionally present. A common example is grieving a loved one who is suffering from Alzheimers, but the reality is that mental illness can cause such incredible changes in our loved ones, that we often feel like we have lost the person we love. For caregivers supporting a loved one with mental health challenges, the loss of someone who is still alive is very different from someone dying, in large part because there is no closure.
The pain felt by people who are suffering with ambiguous grief is real and complicated by the fact that you love this person, they are still alive and there is still the opportunity to have a relationship. This type of grief is like riding an emotional roller coaster. One minute you are cresting a hill with hope because things are improving and the next minute you are plummeting downhill because the police are at your door or your loved one has made a suicide attempt.
Your grief may fill you with a myriad of emotions including sadness, confusion, anger and frustration. There is often an internal battle that may play out. On one hand you are happy that your loved one is alive to see another day, but on the other hand you are exhausted and furious at what they have done to themselves and to you. Your thoughts can become consumed with questions – “Could I have done something differently? Did I cause this? Is it even worth trying to help them anymore? Would life be easier without them?”
These thoughts can commonly cause us to blame ourselves or feel guilty and ashamed at what we are thinking. These feelings are the most difficult to cope with when mourning the loss of someone still alive. This intense grief can lead you to feel very alone and isolated, especially when those around you do not understand or acknowledge your grief.
When grieving the loss of your loved one, be compassionate and gentle with yourself. Make sure that you set aside time for selfcare, time to process your thoughts and feelings and try to understand and accept that there will be ups and downs.
The following are tips on how to grieve the loss of the relationship with the person you once knew, the person who mental illness has taken from you:
1. Connect with those who have similar experiences
Joining a support group for people with shared experience can be an invaluable source of support. Knowing that you are not alone helps put things into perspective and can provide insight into your feelings based on the experience of others.
2. Develop a support system with friends and family
Have a group of friends and family who will listen and accept the feelings you are experiencing without judging you for them.
3. Take care of your health
Make regular check ups with your family physician to ensure that your physical health is taken care of.
4. Express your feelings.
It is okay to not be okay and to give into your grief. Give yourself permission to express your feelings and experience your grief.
5. Identify your coping mechanisms
Be aware of the dangers of developing a dependency on medication and substances to deal with your grief. Look for healthy coping mechanisms such as meditation, exercise or socialization.
6. Accept that your life is worth living
Recognize that you cannot control the actions of your loved one and that you have the right to live a fulfilling life.
7. Make room in your life for change
Radically accept that the relationship you had with your loved one has changed and is not what you hoped for or expected. Doing this will allow you to accept the new normal and experience the relationship with your loved one as it is today, helping you to accept reality rather than remain stuck in the past.
8. Don’t forget the memories of your past
Remind yourself that this is a person you love and the struggles you are facing now do not change who they are and the memories you have. Cherish the positive memories, and remember that while things may have changed, this is still someone you love.
9. Understand the illness is not the person
By learning as much as you can about the illness you can divert some of the feelings of anger, resentment and frustration by recognizing that some of your loved one’s behaviours are a result of the illness and not directed at you personally.
10. Seek professional help when necessary
It’s ok if you cannot handle this alone. Much like we tell our loved ones, reaching out for support is a sign of strength, not weakness.